if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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