and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dicks are not precious.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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