the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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