She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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