Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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