Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
