Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
