dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
