Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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