Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
