I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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