apparently the secret to your success is patron
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
