you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
