If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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