My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
