The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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