I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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