WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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