Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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