So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
