remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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