so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
