i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
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Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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