Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
