How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How does one acquire holy water?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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