Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
