it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Randomize
