I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
