If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
