my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
