Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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