i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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