We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
