She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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