do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
