I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
