I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize