Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
