Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He passed out mid-signature
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
