so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
