I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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