Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
