if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cannot find my penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
