Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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