I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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