In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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