please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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