You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
