You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
