she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
