can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
