I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
