I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
