If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
