Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
