You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
