Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
