did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
