captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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