haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
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