grandma shit on top of the toilet
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I want a musical about memes.
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